Love

You know that soft kiss on your pink cheek,

every sunshine morning?  

I want to do it for you.

 

You know that holding your hand when you need it,

Understanding; without speaking a word?

I want to do it for you. Really.

 

You know that me behaving silly just to crack you to laugh,

on your hollow dark night?

I want to keep doing it for you. Always.

 

You know that dream of someone special you wanted,

Looking just at you and smelling your hair?

I want to do that for you. Forever.

Forever.

 

But not now, not any more.

Go away You,

For I have no Love to give,

To you or anyone.

Sexy smell of an old book.

My mom genuinely tried making me read books just like my elder sibling did in the early yrs of growing up. But I guess her approach to get me engaged in it, never really enticed me. I wasn't the calmer nobler self like my sister and so the same tricks wouldn't have worked for me. More so my attitude, who reads books anyways, when you have a whole bunch of friends to have fun with and play sports or videogames in your spare time. Books naively meant school or formal education to me at that age. It still does to many i know.

I think i was 11 when my sister thought of giving another try to having me read books, hers was a better attempt. Something i have been silently thankful till date. I distinctly remember her patience of reading to me than forcing a brat young boy to do it himself. A mocking older sibling convinced my alter ego that listening might not be any harm and i readily bought that. It took not more than a few pages before i took the book from her hand to continue on an adventurous journey that i keep living differently with every new book i have ever picked up. Reading became a matter of choice and i shook my head in wonderment with every turning page.

I have neither been shocked nor appalled by knowing that some of my good friends have never actually read anything worthy in their life. In fact, I have been disappointed by them and their pseudo intelligence. If degrees and money is all have earned in life, I genuinely feel sorry for them living
as uneducated and in poverty. It will be futile blood burning attempt to explain that you missed a great aspect of your irrelevant existance in universe. I can nothing but smile and pity.

“A good book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading.”  ― William Styron

Second hand and pirated books fit my pocket money of those days and I willingly picked them up devouring them greedily. Once in a while, I have kept losing touch with my hobby but sooner or later i come back to myself as a reader, ready to go on another adventure. Just like that kid after his first book from Blyton. That, five on kirran island again.

The problem with us Indian Men.

Being an Indian man and having interacted with my close friends, uncles and other fellow members of the tribe over my lifetime, though I might not be qualified in my opinion of psychology but I would rather entertain a thought that I have had more than a few conversations and experiences to know us dickheads better than what most presume I might. (Pardon me for the phrase).

The thought to write this has lingered with me over a period of many months especially when I hear my good friends referring to women as sluts just on intuition whereas the same is a sign of masculinity when we meet up to howl together on full moon and also oggle at the other sex. Since we more sophisticated, we do it very mildly. Never the less, only we can do what we want.

Dominating women and giving them a second grade status has been one of the profound disguises of our cultural heritage which we seem to ignore or to be put more aptly, have a blind side to it. Sure, I am not questioning whether we are loving Dads, brothers or husbands but I am questioning the very way in which are brought up thinking we are even if subtly more important than the women in our families. I am not only referring to the eve teasers / rapists the capital of our country seems to produce or the molestors of guwahati who blatantly go about tarnishing the image of our gender in unmendable ways but also our so called degree holding educated class and modern city men too. We have been born and raised with an ecosystem right from our families, societies to our movies portraying our superiority or our more important role in the average Indian daily life. What amazes me that despite all our worldly books, we guys still refuse to have women as equal partners in our relationships or decision making process. Very often I come across smart intelligent friends who loosely refer to women as Used or Second hand because of the fact that her previously unsuccessful relationship has come under the lens for scrutiny, quietly forgetting their own dating history. Virgin bride or girlfriend is still chaste. Women seen having just a coffee with someone are still whispered about in some circles. We ourselves want our girls well behaved and an open discreet license for us. Just because we can't handle confident women, we will demean her.

Most Indian women might spend a lifetime in this patriarchal circle without truly discovering their individualities ever. We might also take pride and establish laurels on success of our marriages over western cultures without analysing the still widespread domestic violence, infidelity, lack of voice of women / support from families and the stigma of the word divorce. A woman standing up for herself without her own family support will be all in vain and will add to the success data of Indian marriages. Let us celebrate our statistics.

We love to control. Not just our generation, it is historical. We have been so afraid of women's sexuality and our inability to understand it that we have made a whole society to distinguish everything into the segments of morality and culture, bending towards the 'inferior' sex. Over the period of our civilisation we have managed to come up with traditions and taboos to reiterate the fact. We might see; learn; understand but snidely cast it aside in the garb of our rich heritage and ancestral gifts probably coming from apes themselves, no but let us not disservice by questioning. We have obtained our professional degrees better than most countries in the world but failed our education and we will refuse to get out of it. Yes, we are proud and intelligent Indian men.

One of the facets why this happens is that we men lack making some of the most important decisions of our lives. I should call us Indian boys rather then men whether we are 20, 25, 30 or 35.
Come what may, we just refuse to grow up and are really afraid to do so. We are feeble, we have always been spoon fed and refuse to do anything on our own. Even if we manage to marry an educated woman with career, we still want her to feed us like our mommies and added perk, be mistresses in our bed. Because of course sex was a gift bestowed upon us on marriage. I still hardly see men who can talk to their fathers face to face and it is certainly not just out of respect. We are an afraid bunch who has refused to grow up, take our decisions and stand by it.

Maybe we are all not so bad, but it is sometimes disturbing to see lack of equality; truly and genuinely. Indirect cheap remarks on women who are different from our instilled moral patterns are nothing but just subtleties of more prominent public attacks by insane orthodox activists. Culture is never static, it's beauty is what each generation shapes and grows it into, not just a modern silent manifestation of an age old hypocrisy.

One way to open up your mind from our generations of stupidities is accepting. Yes, we have a problem.

Short fiction continues

I am glad I continued my endeavour of writing Short fiction in the form of www.75wordstory.blogspot.in

It is equally incredible that a few people joined me along the way and send their stories. We have managed to get most of the writers via the facebook group of Short Fiction over the past few months. What is spectacular is that the how strong some of the short stories can be. Anything which can make your thought linger for more than a second on the fiction written, has succeeded in its attempt to grip the readers.

The original idea was to continue writing myself and keep improving which has taken a hit. I am lazier than I thought. I need to put in more effort myself to come to telling stories. So keep watching that space, you will see more stories from me.

And who knows, someday I might end up doing what every story teller deep down really wants to be doing.
Do it on a bigger platform.

Blogs are good but that love for books is just different.

*smiles*

Panic button

Beneath the hard shell of confidence that I seem to take along with me everywhere lately, sometimes I get myself into the panic attack where I start finding faults in everything happening around me. Deep down in the weak moment I try to seek reassurance desperately from someone besides self; but still face my rigidity of not approaching even the closest friend or sibling. I have grown to be like that now, not that I am endorsing or rejecting this abject behaviour. I end being cool in the situations and thrust the dagger in my happy go lucky attitude. Looking calmly a few hours later I realise that all the jittery control just ends up creating bigger mess that one doesnt imagine until later. Summing up my few experiences over the years including this current turmoil, this is what I have made of myself and how regressive I can take a downward spiral to.

I say, patience truly is a virtue and I need to get around with making friends with this eluded side of my personality. Else, I see more screw ups coming my way. Surely.

*raises eyebrow* *smiles*

RIP Rehab Chougle

My dear friend @ShashaankM  introduced me to a girl @rehabc at barcamp 8 who left the most vivid first impression in my mind than any other girl I had met in my life.

"Are you an entrepreneur? What's your start-up like?" instead of the traditional what do you do. I will recall her for that, something about her personality and statement moved me there. Something about it got me thinking about where I started from in my journey and where am I heading. Life is strange because I met her first time that day but had been reading her blog : http://www.outlandishmusings.com/ few years back. It quickly became a blog I would want to go and read. Amazing use of words and depth in thoughts. You will be missed and your musings.

Posting a good moment shared with Rehab and Shashaank at Barcamp 9.

Things that I do.

Of all the non sensical things I have ever done in my life as interests and hobbies, I am most glad that I chose writing to be one of them. I have tried my hands at a lot of stuff, some to assure myself but many to look great around others. For once, there is no pretence to what I want to feel or tell. I go back, think about my life & journey and spill it out. Even the slightest hint of fiction is all me. We only write with the perceptions of what we are and how we see things. There is something, some space which is just mine, in this entire world. These are my musings. Sometimes even that one moment of introspection and thought ends up making my day. Gives me the meaning I keep searching. I believe I am very restless person by nature; Ziddi to add on it; yet I love being in my shell and write some days. Dipping this dark ink on blank sheet gives my heart and mind  peace. I take that as being me.
*raises eyebrow* *smiles*

What are we.

"We all are artists,musicians,dancers,writers. Everything else is just a way to pay bills" - Rehab Chougle, Outlandish Musings.

Have a Good day?

Good day. Bad day.

This is how I feel life is going to be. More importantly in our obsessions to succeed, in our ambitions, in our fears of failure; we like to avoid thinking that bad days will gloom around. Sigh, but the truth is inevitible. A few bad days are haunting me lately. I know its tough, I did not try to be too prepared or get to thinking about it. I used to be like that. I like it this way now.

Lately, I have kept things simple. Life will throw rocks at you, cause crazy pains; mental sometimes. Bad days have to be part of life. Take it, survive it, live through. If you want positivity out of it, may be you will be tougher. Hack no; sometimes fucking it will just be bad. Downright cruel. Alright. Will make your skin crawl, break your confidence. Challenge your obsessions and will. Yes, bad days will be there.

Beyond that, I go out and live my life. I stay in and live my life too. I am obsessed with reading and shamelessly love it more than anything. I will take, grab, snatch away; when I get tiniest glint of Good day. Good days are important, they keep you around in peace with yourself, they keep you going, they plainly keep you alive. Life is happening, as I type, another day is passing, I believe in taking my good day and live it. I am taking my good day tomorrow. English Literary Association '04 batch reunion. If you end up postponing great times of your life, when will you make memories. When will you actually live.

Life's worth living in the day. Be committed to today. Keep your fire going, dreams alive. You will reach there too.
*raises eyebrow* *faintly smiles*

75wordstory

Today in a few hours I am starting my new blog's attempt at promoting 75wordstory. @vivekisms called out the last theme few days back on #55wordstory when the momentum had just started.

Now, I go ahead and explore the idea and see where I can take it. I think it should be fun.

http://www.75wordstory.blogspot.in/

55wordstory II

My love affair with 55wordstory continues. As mentioned in my previous post, everyday the story is based on a different theme as tweeted by @vivekisms. I have found a new fun way to write consistently. Compilations of the 55 words stories I wrote in the last few days. Hope you enjoy it.

---------x---------x--------x----------

Theme - #Gravity

Baffled, the ruffle haired stared at his equations; digging into the
universe; within him and outside.
He had answered them all, until these new strings came up.
These mechanics are indispensable. Questions; he starts again.
The theory of everything; Yes; Unified theory.
Albert looked back at Relativity once; perfect. Quantum throws back
the mystery – Gravity.
---------x---------x--------x----------

Theme - #Blood

They were celebrating outside on the streets last night. Bastards.
Cried; stared at the television. His sacrosanct. Merciless pricks.
“How dare they Demolish it.”
Stormed. Vowed. Revered path.
Chameleoned; calm face entered the angry mob. Flashing the blade; stabbed his nervous sword deep. Guts of that stranger in saffron band poured; first blood.
7th December,1992. Bombay.
---------x---------x--------x----------

Theme - #Boredom

Musky; sweaty. The hot room was filled with passion and her sighs.
She loved it on the wilder side; crazy. She loved him more.
His eagerness; want; rise for conquest. Her naughty grin; deep kiss; love cries.
YES. Now.
Victory fingers; cocky laugh. He lit his cigarette.
Her sexy blue eyes; faked it. Her boredom.
---------x---------x--------x----------

Theme - #Silver

Adjusting the black rimmed spectacles on his wrinkled nose; he analysed the peculiar trend on the charts hanging in his old office.
Dispised; short gains, impatience, corporate show.
He invested in 130million ounces of Silver at 18yrs low prices. Warren Buffett of Berkshire Hathway was to become the richest man in the world a decade later.
---------x---------x--------x----------

Theme - #Seduction

He whispered in her mind. To her desires; her fantasies.
Chuckle; how he would naughtily play with her hair; her lips. Devour
her with his hungry eyes.
Anger; Pounding heart needily gave away to his pleading face. Puppy dog.
He was drug in her veins. Sonam sipped her wine; dark red; staring at
her fiance's best friend.
---------x---------x--------x----------

Theme - #Taste

Tempting; slurped staring at the forbidden fruit. *maybe its yum*
Watery; his tongue dripped saliva and curiousity knew no bounds.
*The coast is clear*; his sly eye had moved around the room.
Leaning forward; he happily grabbed and swallowed. Smile.
2 yr old Aaquib felt weird and panicked at tasting his shiny coin.
---------x---------x--------x----------

Theme - #Fight

Quietness; broke with the shattering glass.
“Do you care? You have to do more for this relationship.” Aarvi sobbed.
Assertive; Rajat held her tightly in his arms and planted a kiss on her forehead.
“I will make us work. Promise sweets.”
An indifferent silence poisoned his last marriage.
Life’s different today.
They fight; they love.
---------x---------x--------x----------

Theme - #Possessions

Intrepid; fiery; he walked.
Strategic; brilliant; changed the game.
Valiant; ambitious; conquered terrains.
Handsome; ruthless; Won or destroyed paths and beings.
Emperor; Great - his wealth; his armies; his reign.
Deathbed; coffin; wished his hands dangling out.
Alexander,"....I came to this world in empty hands and I will leave this world
also in empty hands."
---------x---------x--------x----------

Theme - #Distance


Her trembling heart waited for a familiar voice. Tensed palms clutched
an unanswered phone tightly.
Hopeless love reassured her mind of the innocent promises made under
the saffron skies; he held her hands; touched her soul. Nothing will change.
Nervous clouds engulfed the moonless night.
Ringing.

A beautiful voice greeted; called-out,

”Love, Nikita from India.”
---------x---------x--------x----------


*smiles* *raises eyebrow for reactions*

Words -55wordstory theme.

I secretly enjoy the http://www.55words.blogspot.com/ and finally wrote two stories today. I think its a brilliant concept. Just 55words can say an amazing tale. I have listed my contribution below.

Theme - #Words.

She was his first huge crush. He admired her elegance and poise; her sweetness melted him.

That day in grade VII the English teacher read out his essay on 'The Cobbler'.
"Brilliant write up boy" she complimented.

12 yrs later, he loves writing. He plays with words. And her's; changed his course.

--------x------------x--------------x-------

Theme - #Love and Words.

Their time together was perfect, the smallest experience with her defined passion. The evening was drenched in wine, in Love.
Their eyes met in naughtiness; sparks flew;
strung the melody in him.
Her smile; dipped in sweetness of honey; lit the moon.
He would do anything to bring the happiness back.
Words glorify past. Stop.

*raises eyebrow* *smiles*

The friends I made

Someday, beyond this horizon; life will move on,
You will not turn around and will go on your soughted ways,
I am left with a smile, with memories that linger on.
I will miss you all, I will miss those days.

posted from Bloggeroid

Dear Dad.

Surprisingly 10yrs later today; we stand here, yet there are those random days when we refuse to believe you are not around. That day, the news hit me with sparring sorrow, hard watery eyes; and reality took its cruel way to punch me over years to understand life.
We struggled; me, maa and maggie. Struggled as we had never imagined, life brought up its ugliest colours on the gloomiest days. One cannot explain; only live it. But you should know we fought hard, you expected that of us. We did everything, every thing to work hard, to survive, to live, to come out winning. You should have known, you had a strong woman standing by your side all along, we never recognised it in her role as a mundane housewife; home maker. She endured the most and came out as a champion we look upto.
We were scared, years went on living that way. There was a constant fear of the unknown, of an outside world we did not understand. I grew up quickly as a person; tormented myself with the idea that I am carrying a great burden of life. My inner turmoil kept me on sleepless nights for years. We all made it count though, success and attitude is in our genes; we are a lot alike on somethings, I am your son. Maggie has done great for herself over the years; she was always the kinds who was meant to succeed, born to win as she wore her attitute. Her focus and determination was unparallel towards getting things right in life.
The worry around the family was more towards me; goofy, off the track witty as I was. I did shockingly well though; I was possessed with a single minded aim and fight of a street dog to set my life straight. I just had to choose what I want to excel at; barriers did not matter, impossibility was out of my dictionary, I was hungry and my hunger drove me to my goals. You know, I just wanted to be you in all those years; live big, succeed, have a big heart; and prove my point at it. I have carried your small pic silently in my wallet for a long time, in the same typical way you dressed. I wanted the world to notice me being your son, I wanted to live your dreams. Nothing else and every bit of it. I vowed my word on it. I think I have done a few good things during the phase of my life. Funny, how a angry young guy thinks; teenage and adrenaline.
We looked at optimisms, future held for us, no one to complain to actually. Took life as it was and walked towards an unsure ray of light at the end of a dark tunnel. We never talked about you, it was hard, mind played games of grief with us. We lived through it. And we lived through it well and with an honest smile.
Can you believe, the funny me took six years before I was actually alright to talk about you properly and say it aloud that I miss you. We have; in all the good times. In all the best times. In all the happiest times of our lives. The most on Maggie's wedding. We have; only we know it how much. And its nice to remember you in the good times of life!
I have my own dreams now; *looks apologetically* some things I want are very distinct than yours. *looks rebelliously* I work for my dreams, I want to live my life. I am more heartless than you could think, more than your approval level. Down and out; I live more streetwise, life on more realistic level; look at the a b c's for practical approach to find my way around in the world. I drive my own car btw; and a very good boy with my bike; yes yes speeding is absolutely wrong. I am a big miser, shameless about it sometimes, Mom mentions that I do so more with my earnings. Forgot to mention in blabbering. You have the lovliest grand daughter. She is our bundle of joy. As if she was always around with that naughtiness. After much debate, we named the munchkin - Aanya; trust me Zeebu is nice name which never caught up with others. You would have loved spoiling her and showering her with the craziest of things. We know it, we just know it. I have left that memory as your thing, I will never temper into it. You will always be the hearty person of the family.
I am unsure as to where I am in my life today, but I am sure I will get around somewhere good. I am taking a break to look at small joys of the world; one good day, works for me right now. But eventually, you know me, just give me my time and I will keep my promise to life and you. I will make it count. I will make us count. Trust me, I will.
Yours crazy and lovingly,
Mintu.
PS: I really think I am a little better and a little correct than you are on many things. Times have changed, you should understand it dad.
*raises eyebrow* *smiles*

You have been hiding

bring back the Time. bring it back.
when the Music, Books, Beliefs changed the world for you.
the Songs spoke of you. of numbness. of your life.

bring back with it, all its regrets and anguish.
bring back the head bumping. bring back the way it rocked you.
bring back the serene nirvana followed.
No dont be afraid when a tear rolls down once more.
wipe it and flash that smile back to memories.
when the Books got with them, the unseen paths they sought you to take.
the countless lives.
bring back, bitter sweet the verve. the whirlwind inside your head.
the juvenation To Do. the juvenation To just Be.
bring back the fervor that engulfed.
No. dont you run away this time.
bring back a shattered tough you. but no, not this ghost.
who lives your life faithless.
bring back yourself.
walk. walk towards untrodden roads which were your own.
bring back those faded maps. gleaming hopes, your faith will guide you.
don't you hold back now.
look. you have the sunny rays awaited.
bring back. bring back You.
bring back Me. bring back my Life.
You know. You can't keep hiding Me.

The bygone evening'

My heart was drenched inside me, one of those occasions when I felt choked. Another person couldn't convince me to feel otherwise during that moment, my view of the world and what I need to live on was very focused to one singularity, wrapped in a fiery passion and calm likeness, my love for the woman. The hustle bustle around the eve, gave me a little rip inside of not being able to spend the time with her, not being her man. I was head strong determined to take the fact as it seemed and spent the time being deluged in me, music and poetry.

Fast forward, this time around, I had a calm night sleeping through, hurried rush to office and trying to get on top of an unconquerable deadline. I have illusions sometimes that I can please my boss because I am good at my work. Twitter buzzed through the day, with love quotes, a few singles who hated this commercialisation of love, some happy to have settled in and calmed down tweeples who correctly mentioned everything as love through the day, and others who did not want to be left out; shared 'simply the best' urls about love. I felt good around few genuine and excited people, it is nice to be able to celebrate their mutual love and relationships. Its alright to even have a separate day for it; well knowing busy mad lives we live.

Besides trying to catch up on unending analysis of data on boring' excel sheets during the eve, I simply enjoyed flirting with a quick thinking woman I know. I feel sexy; and immensely confident around my wit. I believe overall it was a good Valentine's for a single and uncommitted man, life is still open for endless possibilities actually. Some thrill, excitment and passion still awaits in the times to come. Let it roll.
*smiles* *raises eye brow*

The feel good night.

So its one of the fun, two best friends get a little high, watch a non sensical movie about friends, discuss women who are, have been, hopefully the sexy one who will come in, night. *imagines fantasies*

So my buddy is getting married in a couple of months with his gal. Man, I am proud of him to have sustained the relationship well, be
by his woman and get engaged when time required him to. There are so many things we feel unsure of at this age as men, and he took his decision and went ahead. Not many couples actually stick by each other in todays time. You know what I am saying. *whistles*

So all good things come to an end, most of these friends are now married or on verge. (At this point we will push you even if you are shit scared). I guess the crazy guy sessions will be passe. I have come to terms with it.

Anyhow, I have to see what excitement, the future has in store for me. I am still restless and refuse to budge to boredom. I will give life another chance, I know you will be good to me. So right now lets close our deal with a few old books, some music, a career to make, some dreams to keep alive.

5 years of Love.

I really feel good even today as much as I did exactly back on 7 Feb 2007 when I first had you - my ride, my bike, my babe. Sure you break down more often now, bug me, make me helpless, land me up in middle of a highway and refuse to budge. But Thank you for the countless great times i have had, the power, the assurance I have felt, the freedom I have lived, the new roads, the journeys I have discovered. You took me out of my shell and threw me into the world to try, explore, discover and live. There is a feeling which I think only some other bikers can associate with it, a deep gratitude, love and faith. Cheers for the fabulous 5 yrs and the wonderful times to come.

I am back.

Apologies for the two and half years delay. I should have been writing when deep down I have been wanting to. Alright so loads of things have changed in the big bad world, we took two whole rounds around the sun. I looked at my own blog and cant relate to a lot of things. Bro, ain't cool. *looks again*
*sighs* no wonder.

So cheers for a new start and let the good times roll.

While I am at it, let me give a sneak peak. This new(lets not try a 4th one) blog will talk about women, chai and why, travel, dreams, randomness, world, myself and you maybe. Dont be on my bad side, else I write nasty too. *raises eye brow*