Friday, March 23, 2012

Dear Dad.

Surprisingly 10yrs later today; we stand here, yet there are those random days when we refuse to believe you are not around. That day, the news hit me with sparring sorrow, hard watery eyes; and reality took its cruel way to punch me over years to understand life.
We struggled; me, maa and maggie. Struggled as we had never imagined, life brought up its ugliest colours on the gloomiest days. One cannot explain; only live it. But you should know we fought hard, you expected that of us. We did everything, every thing to work hard, to survive, to live, to come out winning. You should have known, you had a strong woman standing by your side all along, we never recognised it in her role as a mundane housewife; home maker. She endured the most and came out as a champion we look upto.
We were scared, years went on living that way. There was a constant fear of the unknown, of an outside world we did not understand. I grew up quickly as a person; tormented myself with the idea that I am carrying a great burden of life. My inner turmoil kept me on sleepless nights for years. We all made it count though, success and attitude is in our genes; we are a lot alike on somethings, I am your son. Maggie has done great for herself over the years; she was always the kinds who was meant to succeed, born to win as she wore her attitute. Her focus and determination was unparallel towards getting things right in life.
The worry around the family was more towards me; goofy, off the track witty as I was. I did shockingly well though; I was possessed with a single minded aim and fight of a street dog to set my life straight. I just had to choose what I want to excel at; barriers did not matter, impossibility was out of my dictionary, I was hungry and my hunger drove me to my goals. You know, I just wanted to be you in all those years; live big, succeed, have a big heart; and prove my point at it. I have carried your small pic silently in my wallet for a long time, in the same typical way you dressed. I wanted the world to notice me being your son, I wanted to live your dreams. Nothing else and every bit of it. I vowed my word on it. I think I have done a few good things during the phase of my life. Funny, how a angry young guy thinks; teenage and adrenaline.
We looked at optimisms, future held for us, no one to complain to actually. Took life as it was and walked towards an unsure ray of light at the end of a dark tunnel. We never talked about you, it was hard, mind played games of grief with us. We lived through it. And we lived through it well and with an honest smile.
Can you believe, the funny me took six years before I was actually alright to talk about you properly and say it aloud that I miss you. We have; in all the good times. In all the best times. In all the happiest times of our lives. The most on Maggie's wedding. We have; only we know it how much. And its nice to remember you in the good times of life!
I have my own dreams now; *looks apologetically* some things I want are very distinct than yours. *looks rebelliously* I work for my dreams, I want to live my life. I am more heartless than you could think, more than your approval level. Down and out; I live more streetwise, life on more realistic level; look at the a b c's for practical approach to find my way around in the world. I drive my own car btw; and a very good boy with my bike; yes yes speeding is absolutely wrong. I am a big miser, shameless about it sometimes, Mom mentions that I do so more with my earnings. Forgot to mention in blabbering. You have the lovliest grand daughter. She is our bundle of joy. As if she was always around with that naughtiness. After much debate, we named the munchkin - Aanya; trust me Zeebu is nice name which never caught up with others. You would have loved spoiling her and showering her with the craziest of things. We know it, we just know it. I have left that memory as your thing, I will never temper into it. You will always be the hearty person of the family.
I am unsure as to where I am in my life today, but I am sure I will get around somewhere good. I am taking a break to look at small joys of the world; one good day, works for me right now. But eventually, you know me, just give me my time and I will keep my promise to life and you. I will make it count. I will make us count. Trust me, I will.
Yours crazy and lovingly,
PS: I really think I am a little better and a little correct than you are on many things. Times have changed, you should understand it dad.
*raises eyebrow* *smiles*