One of those nights.

As we know by now, so no one really dies. Not unless you make an outrageous attempt, too many sympathies for those who would ever do that. Your life is to be loved & cherished, another individual can't give it meaning, some good company along your journey maybe?

Yet all of us have been through the routines of our highs & lows, some big hard blows. One of these nights creep in, where you look for meaning in everything, when the what if's rule much more than any of the good things about life. You crave for the familiar warmth that soothes your soul, those soft whispers, that mad laugh, that precious moment when all was well with the world. You wonder whether things are right with a bygone past or you just failed at realizing your last reconciling attempt. The sweet could have beens, maybe always sweeter in our heads. Still, an eerie silence of nothingness keeps you awake, it's sometimes darker on such nights. A stark reminder on your life today; good, ok or nice, but not really there yet. Time drifts at most painstaking speed, Albert & his relativity. Slowly comes a moment to kill it all, what would we ever do without music on such nights? That small joy & sadness bundled into one song, mixing all your worlds and taking you away from this bitter one.

Music, play on, I need to be back in my usual happy place, coz that's where I belong.

Sexy smell of an old book.

My mom genuinely tried making me read books just like my elder sibling did in the early yrs of growing up. But I guess her approach to get me engaged in it, never really enticed me. I wasn't the calmer nobler self like my sister and so the same tricks wouldn't have worked for me. More so my attitude, who reads books anyways, when you have a whole bunch of friends to have fun with and play sports or videogames in your spare time. Books naively meant school or formal education to me at that age. It still does to many i know.

I think i was 11 when my sister thought of giving another try to having me read books, hers was a better attempt. Something i have been silently thankful till date. I distinctly remember her patience of reading to me than forcing a brat young boy to do it himself. A mocking older sibling convinced my alter ego that listening might not be any harm and i readily bought that. It took not more than a few pages before i took the book from her hand to continue on an adventurous journey that i keep living differently with every new book i have ever picked up. Reading became a matter of choice and i shook my head in wonderment with every turning page.

I have neither been shocked nor appalled by knowing that some of my good friends have never actually read anything worthy in their life. In fact, I have been disappointed by them and their pseudo intelligence. If degrees and money is all have earned in life, I genuinely feel sorry for them living
as uneducated and in poverty. It will be futile blood burning attempt to explain that you missed a great aspect of your irrelevant existance in universe. I can nothing but smile and pity.

“A good book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading.”  ― William Styron

Second hand and pirated books fit my pocket money of those days and I willingly picked them up devouring them greedily. Once in a while, I have kept losing touch with my hobby but sooner or later i come back to myself as a reader, ready to go on another adventure. Just like that kid after his first book from Blyton. That, five on kirran island again.

Things that I do.

Of all the non sensical things I have ever done in my life as interests and hobbies, I am most glad that I chose writing to be one of them. I have tried my hands at a lot of stuff, some to assure myself but many to look great around others. For once, there is no pretence to what I want to feel or tell. I go back, think about my life & journey and spill it out. Even the slightest hint of fiction is all me. We only write with the perceptions of what we are and how we see things. There is something, some space which is just mine, in this entire world. These are my musings. Sometimes even that one moment of introspection and thought ends up making my day. Gives me the meaning I keep searching. I believe I am very restless person by nature; Ziddi to add on it; yet I love being in my shell and write some days. Dipping this dark ink on blank sheet gives my heart and mind  peace. I take that as being me.
*raises eyebrow* *smiles*

Have a Good day?

Good day. Bad day.

This is how I feel life is going to be. More importantly in our obsessions to succeed, in our ambitions, in our fears of failure; we like to avoid thinking that bad days will gloom around. Sigh, but the truth is inevitible. A few bad days are haunting me lately. I know its tough, I did not try to be too prepared or get to thinking about it. I used to be like that. I like it this way now.

Lately, I have kept things simple. Life will throw rocks at you, cause crazy pains; mental sometimes. Bad days have to be part of life. Take it, survive it, live through. If you want positivity out of it, may be you will be tougher. Hack no; sometimes fucking it will just be bad. Downright cruel. Alright. Will make your skin crawl, break your confidence. Challenge your obsessions and will. Yes, bad days will be there.

Beyond that, I go out and live my life. I stay in and live my life too. I am obsessed with reading and shamelessly love it more than anything. I will take, grab, snatch away; when I get tiniest glint of Good day. Good days are important, they keep you around in peace with yourself, they keep you going, they plainly keep you alive. Life is happening, as I type, another day is passing, I believe in taking my good day and live it. I am taking my good day tomorrow. English Literary Association '04 batch reunion. If you end up postponing great times of your life, when will you make memories. When will you actually live.

Life's worth living in the day. Be committed to today. Keep your fire going, dreams alive. You will reach there too.
*raises eyebrow* *faintly smiles*

Dear Dad.

Surprisingly 10yrs later today; we stand here, yet there are those random days when we refuse to believe you are not around. That day, the news hit me with sparring sorrow, hard watery eyes; and reality took its cruel way to punch me over years to understand life.
We struggled; me, maa and maggie. Struggled as we had never imagined, life brought up its ugliest colours on the gloomiest days. One cannot explain; only live it. But you should know we fought hard, you expected that of us. We did everything, every thing to work hard, to survive, to live, to come out winning. You should have known, you had a strong woman standing by your side all along, we never recognised it in her role as a mundane housewife; home maker. She endured the most and came out as a champion we look upto.
We were scared, years went on living that way. There was a constant fear of the unknown, of an outside world we did not understand. I grew up quickly as a person; tormented myself with the idea that I am carrying a great burden of life. My inner turmoil kept me on sleepless nights for years. We all made it count though, success and attitude is in our genes; we are a lot alike on somethings, I am your son. Maggie has done great for herself over the years; she was always the kinds who was meant to succeed, born to win as she wore her attitute. Her focus and determination was unparallel towards getting things right in life.
The worry around the family was more towards me; goofy, off the track witty as I was. I did shockingly well though; I was possessed with a single minded aim and fight of a street dog to set my life straight. I just had to choose what I want to excel at; barriers did not matter, impossibility was out of my dictionary, I was hungry and my hunger drove me to my goals. You know, I just wanted to be you in all those years; live big, succeed, have a big heart; and prove my point at it. I have carried your small pic silently in my wallet for a long time, in the same typical way you dressed. I wanted the world to notice me being your son, I wanted to live your dreams. Nothing else and every bit of it. I vowed my word on it. I think I have done a few good things during the phase of my life. Funny, how a angry young guy thinks; teenage and adrenaline.
We looked at optimisms, future held for us, no one to complain to actually. Took life as it was and walked towards an unsure ray of light at the end of a dark tunnel. We never talked about you, it was hard, mind played games of grief with us. We lived through it. And we lived through it well and with an honest smile.
Can you believe, the funny me took six years before I was actually alright to talk about you properly and say it aloud that I miss you. We have; in all the good times. In all the best times. In all the happiest times of our lives. The most on Maggie's wedding. We have; only we know it how much. And its nice to remember you in the good times of life!
I have my own dreams now; *looks apologetically* some things I want are very distinct than yours. *looks rebelliously* I work for my dreams, I want to live my life. I am more heartless than you could think, more than your approval level. Down and out; I live more streetwise, life on more realistic level; look at the a b c's for practical approach to find my way around in the world. I drive my own car btw; and a very good boy with my bike; yes yes speeding is absolutely wrong. I am a big miser, shameless about it sometimes, Mom mentions that I do so more with my earnings. Forgot to mention in blabbering. You have the lovliest grand daughter. She is our bundle of joy. As if she was always around with that naughtiness. After much debate, we named the munchkin - Aanya; trust me Zeebu is nice name which never caught up with others. You would have loved spoiling her and showering her with the craziest of things. We know it, we just know it. I have left that memory as your thing, I will never temper into it. You will always be the hearty person of the family.
I am unsure as to where I am in my life today, but I am sure I will get around somewhere good. I am taking a break to look at small joys of the world; one good day, works for me right now. But eventually, you know me, just give me my time and I will keep my promise to life and you. I will make it count. I will make us count. Trust me, I will.
Yours crazy and lovingly,
Mintu.
PS: I really think I am a little better and a little correct than you are on many things. Times have changed, you should understand it dad.
*raises eyebrow* *smiles*

You have been hiding

bring back the Time. bring it back.
when the Music, Books, Beliefs changed the world for you.
the Songs spoke of you. of numbness. of your life.

bring back with it, all its regrets and anguish.
bring back the head bumping. bring back the way it rocked you.
bring back the serene nirvana followed.
No dont be afraid when a tear rolls down once more.
wipe it and flash that smile back to memories.
when the Books got with them, the unseen paths they sought you to take.
the countless lives.
bring back, bitter sweet the verve. the whirlwind inside your head.
the juvenation To Do. the juvenation To just Be.
bring back the fervor that engulfed.
No. dont you run away this time.
bring back a shattered tough you. but no, not this ghost.
who lives your life faithless.
bring back yourself.
walk. walk towards untrodden roads which were your own.
bring back those faded maps. gleaming hopes, your faith will guide you.
don't you hold back now.
look. you have the sunny rays awaited.
bring back. bring back You.
bring back Me. bring back my Life.
You know. You can't keep hiding Me.

The feel good night.

So its one of the fun, two best friends get a little high, watch a non sensical movie about friends, discuss women who are, have been, hopefully the sexy one who will come in, night. *imagines fantasies*

So my buddy is getting married in a couple of months with his gal. Man, I am proud of him to have sustained the relationship well, be
by his woman and get engaged when time required him to. There are so many things we feel unsure of at this age as men, and he took his decision and went ahead. Not many couples actually stick by each other in todays time. You know what I am saying. *whistles*

So all good things come to an end, most of these friends are now married or on verge. (At this point we will push you even if you are shit scared). I guess the crazy guy sessions will be passe. I have come to terms with it.

Anyhow, I have to see what excitement, the future has in store for me. I am still restless and refuse to budge to boredom. I will give life another chance, I know you will be good to me. So right now lets close our deal with a few old books, some music, a career to make, some dreams to keep alive.

5 years of Love.

I really feel good even today as much as I did exactly back on 7 Feb 2007 when I first had you - my ride, my bike, my babe. Sure you break down more often now, bug me, make me helpless, land me up in middle of a highway and refuse to budge. But Thank you for the countless great times i have had, the power, the assurance I have felt, the freedom I have lived, the new roads, the journeys I have discovered. You took me out of my shell and threw me into the world to try, explore, discover and live. There is a feeling which I think only some other bikers can associate with it, a deep gratitude, love and faith. Cheers for the fabulous 5 yrs and the wonderful times to come.